Yes, I have been missing in action this past month, but I’m still sober. I think in my next blog post I will write about juggling my recovery with a busy lifestyle. But for now I wanted to write about dealing with an alcoholic, whether or not you also identify as one.
Luckily I have chosen the path of recovery over simple abstinence so I encounter fellow alcoholics quite frequently. While we’re just like anyone else, most of us are just now learning how to deal with other human beings in sobriety. Sometimes it doesn’t go well. We alcoholics had relied upon alcohol for years to soothe just about every uncomfortable situation imaginable. The act of being social is a major stressor for a lot of us, so when you’re dealing with an alcoholic, you’re going to need to keep that in mind.
Take my friend Drew for example. I hadn’t seen them in quite some time and recently ran into them last month at a meeting. I was with a newcomer to the meetings and wanted to introduce him to a group of people I knew standing outside of the venue, Drew being one of them. Mind you, I was really tired that night. I had been traveling a lot lately and wasn’t feeling well.
So, I introduced the new person to this group of people, and one by one, each person introduced themselves accept Drew, who looked at me expectantly. I suddenly realized they wanted me to introduce them personally, so I did. Accept I introduced Drew by the name I met them as; “Andrew”. Drew immediately took offense to this. I corrected myself and stated that it was the name I knew them as for months until they decided to go by a different name with a different pronoun. It should also be stated that I said all of this with an air of “don’t give me that bullshit!”
At the time I was annoyed by Drew’s refusal to introduce themself to my new friend. I was also annoyed that Drew had gotten upset with me for making an honest mistake, and I let it be known by the angry tone I was using with them. I mean, either I meant to offend them or I didn’t, right? If they are upset, then that means they wanted to believe I called them by their old name just to be offensive. Basically, Drew was choosing to be offended. However, the event came and went and I pretty much forgot about it.
I saw Drew a week later and didn’t really talk to them. I wasn’t evading them, it’s just that Drew is not a social person while I make it a point to be social with as many people as I can. When the meeting ended, Drew stood smoking alone 20 feet from where most of the people were congregating. I ended up talking to a group of people outside and never got the chance to say hello. Also, I could sense they were a little bit standoffish so I kept my distance. In no way did I actually think they were still angry that I called them by a name they stopped going by a month prior.
Fast forward to this past Friday night and I saw Drew at a meeting. When they passed me outside, I said “hey Drew!” and gave them a big hug. Drew replied half-jokingly “Oh, so you know my fucking name now?”.
That pissed me off since we happened to be standing amongst other people.
I told them that their anger over the situation is their problem and their choice. I told them, in front of everyone standing there, that when someone is introducing someone else to an entire group, most people will willingly introduce themselves. They, Drew, chose not to. I told Drew that it wasn’t my intention to offend them and that it’s a really understandable mistake. Mind you, I said this with a flabbergasted and angry tone.
The situation eventually cooled down, and we had a brief, yet friendly conversation. The next night I get a text from Drew telling me that I was right. They told me that it was their problem and that they were holding me to a standard that they don’t even hold themselves to. Essentially it was an apology. Personally, I didn’t think I was owed an apology but accepted and told them that I too could have handled the situation better.
And in hindsight, I could have. I too chose to be upset about it, though I didn’t hold on to my resentment over the situation for nearly as long. But if I am being honest with myself, I reacted as if Drew had set me up to look like an asshole. And maybe they did to a certain extent, but what does that really matter? It’s not personal. Drew has been sober for a little over a year and their alcoholism was suicidal in nature. They have a lot of trauma. They’re slowly learning how to act in public and how to develop meaningful relationships in sobriety. They’re still in a lot of pain and I know they are doing their best.
On the other hand, I’m under a year sober. Tomorrow will be ten months. While I am far more social than Drew, I’m not perfect. I make it a point to face years of isolation due to my drinking, so I approach people. I expected that out of Drew and because I still care too much of what people think of me, I got angry with them over their slight. As much recovery as I take part in, I am still a long work in progress and I still have a lot of rough edges to my personality. It is what it is.
So, what does this mean to you? Well, if you’re not an alcoholic, it means that recovery is important. If you’re dealing with someone who has an issue with alcohol but are not actively trying to get to the bottom of their issue, you are dealing with a sick person. I do not mean they are evil or bad in any way. I only mean that they are caught in a nightmare and refuse to understand that they need help. They refuse to believe that they cannot control their drinking and that it will slowly or quickly destroy their lives. Because of this, they are not sane.
This is also true of someone who has stopped drinking but is not in recovery. Recovery means they are seeking assistance with their problem by either entering a 12 step program or working with a counselor. If they have stopped drinking but are not facing the reasons why they drank, they are still caught in that same insanity. Quitting drinking is better than nothing, but it is not as simple as quitting, snapping your fingers and you’re healed. It’s a process. So, if you have someone in your life that is not in recovery, know that they do not see things the way most people do. They may still feel victimized and react viciously to seemingly innocent suggestions. My advice would be to give them some distance and accept them as who they are. Until they get help, they’re going to be hard to deal with.
If you’re dealing with an alcoholic in recovery then be proud they chose recovery, but do not expect them to change overnight. Recovery is a long and arduous journey. They will still be edgy and they will still be raw, but they are trying to be better. So, be patient and be supportive, but also be true to yourself and maintain boundaries. They are trying, but they are not perfect and never will be. And while we’re at it, neither will you.
Finally, if you are a recovering alcoholic and dealing with another recovering alcoholic, then you should try and practice patience whenever the you can. Understand that you will not always get this right and neither will they. Be good to yourself and give people their space when it is clear they need it. You will make mistakes, but guess what, everyone around you knows this. No one will be as hard on you as you are on yourself. Know this and know the same goes for others in recovery. I wish you the best of luck in your journey and thank you for reading a little piece of my own journey.
Dealing with an alcoholic
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