223 days of sobriety is by far the longest stretch of sobriety for me in my adult life. By far. Yet still, even after those intense urges to drink have left me, I still have the desire to relapse from time to time. Ask anyone who is an addict and they will tell you that it’s not strange to want to relapse, especially in your first year. I, however, find it strange. I find it strange because I know what will happen if I relapse. Even if I cannot precisely predict it, I have a good idea of what it might look like. All of this work I have done on myself will fall by the wayside, and just like before, the most important thing in my life will be alcohol. It will put me back in that dark hole I was in before I got sober or even worse.
I know all of this, yet the desire to relapse still hangs over me. I feel it with me right now. Shit, I even know how I would do it(relapse) or at least what I would drink. I would go to this local bar that has a great scotch selection. Funny enough, I went to that same bar the last time I drank. I would sit and order a Laphroaig, neat. I would probably drink that quickly and then order another. I’d follow that second drink with a Talisker and savor it before wrapping up with a Redbreast. Then I’d head to the liquor store to get some Guinness Extra Stout before heading home. It’s an almost identical match to my last day of drinking.
But here’s the thing; I know how the relapse would start, but I do not know how or when it will finish. It’s been over 7 months since my last drink, those four whiskeys might get me insanely drunk. I can guess that even if I was really drunk, I’d force myself to drink that Guinness. I know me too well. Maybe I’d get alcohol poisoning like the first time I got drunk at 16. Or not, maybe I’d be fine. Maybe I’d jump in the car and head to Vegas. I mean, I already relapsed, so why not go for it, right?
Those are the kinds of decisions I used to make when I was drunk. Not all the time, but I am so out of practice, I really couldn’t begin to imagine the terrible ideas I would follow through on were I to drink. Las Vegas is 270 miles away so let’s say I decided to go. It would take me at least 4 hours to get there and I wouldn’t want to sober up. That means I am on the road for over four hours and I am steadily nursing a drink to keep my buzz going. The odds I get into a wreck and kill myself and others is extremely high. If I live through it, then I have to suffer the consequences. If I kill someone I am not the only one to suffer those consequences. Who might I kill?
Let’s say I make it to Vegas without getting in a car accident and not getting pulled over and arrested(again, very possible that happens). I check into a hotel and start drinking right away. I am also a gambler, so it would only be a matter of time before I head down to the casino floor. When I used to gamble I rarely did it while I was drunk. I made too many rash decisions. I always loved craps and poker; two games where even though there is a high level of chance involved, if you make the right decisions, you can seriously mitigate losses. To do that, you need a clear mind. My mind would be cloudy at best.
I head down to the casino floor and I hit the craps tables. I probably lose. Actually, I probably lose a lot and then head to the poker tables and lose more. How much money could I possibly lose? Well, I’m drunk so how hard would it be to convince myself to want to win it all back? I tell myself I am bound to get lucky and I just want to win the money I lost back. When does it end before I realize I am not winning any of it back? Could I blow through it all? Yeah, I think I could.
Maybe I get insanely lucky and I win. Then what? I drink some more, that’s for sure. If I can still walk then I am absolutely on the prowl at this point. What that means is I am lonely and I want to “share” my joy with others. I was never one to pick up women so that leaves prostitutes or strippers. Let’s say I want the sure thing. I take an expensive Uber ride to the nearest town where prostitution is legal where I blow thousands just for an hour or two of sex. I drink more at their bar. If I am still standing then I head back to Vegas where I assuredly pass out when I get back to my room.
I wake up and have to now face the reality of relapsing, but I am so hung over I cant bear to think too much about it. So, I start drinking again. I try to eat at a buffet but my stomach hurts so I go for another drink. If the scenario is the one where I lost all my money then I am seriously considering killing myself. I keep drinking and who knows, maybe I do it that day. If it’s the other scenario then I still have to deal with the relapse. Even though I am hung over I am feeling okay. I won a lot of money and I got laid. But still, there is that voice in the back of my mind that has been reborn and strengthened.
That voice tells me I am weak and I’m a loser. It tells me I am such a loser that I had to go out to Las Vegas alone to pay for sex because nobody likes me. So I keep drinking just to keep that voice muffled. When does it end? Do I come home? Doubtful. How long does this bender last then? Weeks? I’d have to eventually go broke, right? Then I am back to considering ending it all.
This is the thing that non addicts just don’t understand; you can know every which way it will go wrong if you relapse, and still, the option is always on the table. When you really break it down it seems like a simple choice. I can either move ahead in life and keep my existence somewhat stable, or I can give this box of dynamite to a car full of chimps and see what happens. That’s how insane it is to be an alcoholic. You can be burned a thousand times from the same flame and yet there you are the next day, holding your hand up to it and expecting it not to burn you.
I do feel a little bit better after doing this exercise. I am still a little on edge. I’ve been sensitive as of late. I’ve been getting offended at a lot of bullshit that doesn’t have anything to do with me. I have to keep checking myself. So the desire to relapse is there, but I do not feel I am close to a relapse. I’m just being a big baby.
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