I used to think I needed alcohol to have fun, and in a way, I did. There was no joy in life I found unless I was steadily nursing a buzz. I also used to think that I was โmore myselfโ when I drank. As if I could only access the real me by drinking. However, the more I realize that I have an alcoholic personality, the more I realize that I was only trying to access this personality by drinking. My alcoholic personality was formed when I was a teenager. It was when I discovered that alcohol was the solution to my pain. I was wrong, of course, but come on, I was a teenager! However, as time went on, the real me was running from my pain. Basically, you are not your true self when you drink.
Competing Personalities
So, who was I when I drank? I have a theory on that and itโs backed up by many psychologists. Okay, itโs not my theory actually, but itโs something I believe to be true. We develop entire personalities throughout our lives. Even though we experience changes and even personality changes, we keep with us many different personalities. We do not recognize these different personalities because we have lived with them for so long. We just sum it all up into our one big, singular personality. However, these personalities are physically written code within our brains written at different times in our lives. Because they are written at different times, these personalities are often at odds with one another.
For me, I had wanted to curtail my drinking for years. I did not want to stop, mind you, but I knew I had a problem. I knew it was killing me, yet I could not stop myself from drinking. So there was this one side of me that did not want to drink, but there was this other side that did. In fact, this other side of me only wanted to drink. I call this my alcoholic personality. Since I found alcohol to be my savior as a teenager, that is when this code was written in my brain.
You Are Not Your True Self When You Drink.. But a Code
By code I mean a series of neural pathways that were both formed in my brain and then reinforced from years of habit. These pathways are real, structural material in my brain. It is not a metaphor. They exist and because of these pathways my body accepts and runs these programs on its own without my having to think about it. Basically, when I was a teenager and in my early 20โs, I began to rely on alcohol to solve all of my issues. That means a series of pathways were created, reinforced and habitually ran to program my body to turn to alcohol whenever I was feeling a difficult emotion. This is a personality. No matter who I think I am, this is a personality that exists within me and whenever I feel emotion, a teenager steps in and demands I drink to feel better.
So, when I drink, I am a child. I am a teenager. This makes sense to me because as a practicing drunk, I lived in the past, but my true self lives in the now. I ย spent years trying to escape the now – too many wasted days living in the past, shit faced drunk . Itโs like a time machine, and just like in the movies, the more you tinker with your past, the more it effects your present state of being. Instead of going back and changing anything, which is impossible, I missed opportunities and made severe mistakes.
You Are Not Your True Self When You Drink. You Are Living in the Past
Just like a teenager I had no answers on how to compute all of these failures that seemed to be piling on top of each other as the years went by. All of these new failures piled on top of old failures and the shame and hatred Iโd had for myself as a teenager only got worse. Eventually my one cure all, alcohol, suddenly became the culprit. It used to give me the illusion of control. After all, as a teenager, I had very little wisdom, no living experience. I couldnโt even begin to comprehend what it took to battle depression, so all I could ask is for it to go away at that moment. Didnโt care how it happened, just that it did happen.
At 44, severely depressed, finally, I knew that alcohol was the reason I was unable to get to the bottom of all of these questions I had. I knew I was emotionally stunted. It was the reason I felt that I didnโt know myself, because how many teenagers, or kids for that matter, really know themselves?
Alcohol Is Not Your Best Friend, It is Your Alcoholic Personality’s Best Friend
So, you are not your true self when you drink. I know it feels like you are. It feels like you need alcohol to be free to be yourself. But if that was true, then why canโt you access yourself without it? No, you are being that personality and it needs alcohol to live. Abstain from alcohol and if you really try, you can find yourself. At 220 days of complete sobriety, I am starting to find out who I am. Itโs still me. I feel better physically and mentally, but I still feel like me. I am imperfect and I make mistakes, but thatโs part of the human experience. All I was missing, as it turns out, was self-acceptance. I was missing that because itโs a lot to ask of a teenager.
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