I started drinking when I was 16 and soon thereafter became obsessed with alcohol. Sure, I had hopes and dreams but in those dreams I was drinking. Actually, I didn’t have a ton of dreams, just one big dream. All the other dreams were vague like being successful and traveling. My big dream was to be an actor. In this dream I was a successful actor, but I was also living the life of a 1920’s playboy. I could see myself on the big screen and I could also see myself partying every night with beautiful women. That was my dream because those were the only things I really liked to do at that point in my life – drink and being on stage.
Turns out I preferred the dream to the journey, but only the acting part. I had no problem adjusting to the party life, but waiting tables and living with 6 roommates wasn’t a part of my plan. Though I didn’t know it yet, living my drinking dream was swallowing up everything as early as 20 years of age. I never really gave school a go, and I changed jobs faster than most people changed wardrobes. It’s like I was waiting for something to happen and when it didn’t happen fast enough I moved on. I refused to put down roots.
However, the one constant was my drinking. I didn’t see myself as a problem drinker, just a guy in his 20’s who liked to party. A lot. Still, I had these dreams of life in the arts that always seemed to be just out of reach. I took acting classes but rarely went on auditions. I just worked to pay rent (barely) and the rest of the money went to booze. Never had the money for headshots so I blamed the price of headshots, not my expensive boozing habit. It never occurred to be to stop drinking. It was the only thing that I took pleasure in. As all my friends built a life, had a family, planted roots I scraped by with a faint dream and an increasingly alarming addiction.
Every once in a while I would travel here and there. I went to England and got insanely drunk. Got hammered In Scotland. I went to Ireland where I got the most drunk I’d ever been. I got destroyed every time I went to Vegas. Palm Springs? Drunk. Just about anywhere I went booze was to be involved. Whenever I travelled it was less a question of what new things can I experience, but more of a “what would it be like to drink here” kind of thing. I found that drinking was the best part of my experience anywhere I went.
My entire adult life the only thing I looked forward to was to drink. Everything else was something to be endured. I was never fully present anywhere there wasn’t alcohol and even when alcohol was involved I was more interested in the alcohol than whatever else was going on. Even when my life started going to shit, I still wanted alcohol to play a major part in my future. I thought of all the places I could visit, and all the experiences that could be had while getting drunk. If I had plans that didn’t involve booze it was something that I “had” to do. If it was alcohol related it was something I couldn’t wait to do.
In my mid 30’s it finally hit me that the only thing that brought me joy could very well kill me. However, the idea that I would no longer drink was too much for me to handle. I knew how destructive it was, but imagining a future without booze was unthinkable. What would I do to have fun? How would I let loose? Worse yet, how could I keep my friends if I stopped drinking? For those reasons alone I never quit. I would go a few months here and there, but it was always with the intent of learning how to “drink responsibly”. Never mind the fact that my history with alcohol told me that it was impossible for me to drink any other way than suicidally.
Then came the day that I had to face the facts; don’t change a thing and die a slow, painful, tragic death, or stop drinking for good. As you might have guessed, I stopped drinking.
The first few months were like a blur. In a way it was simple. I was learning how to be a sober person. Basically, I was just learning how to get by in life without turning to alcohol for every possible reason. Shopping for groceries was hard enough so I wasn’t thinking much about having fun or finding joy. However, because I attended a 12 step program, my network of sober friends started to grow and I began to venture out more and more.
At first, I only went to late night diners after meetings with other sober people. Then I was invited out to a comedy club around the 5 month mark of sobriety. Other than going to a concert a few months prior, this was my real first test being around alcohol. It was odd. There I was among the crowd as alcohol was raining down around me, and I was sipping on a carbonated water. At first I would catch myself glancing over to the bar. People were celebrating. They would howl with laughter and toast each other.
Even though it looked fun, I didn’t find myself missing that time in my life where I was among the drunkards howling with laughter. I didn’t miss it. I thought about what my life was like when I was out carousing late at night – when I was on the prowl. The memories were fun, but it was the only time I was enjoying my life. Otherwise, I was in hell.
A month and half later I went my favorite bar and again I stared longingly at the bar where I drank so many cocktails that they could have named one after me. But it only reminded me of a time when I was lonely. Yet, there I was among amazing people and I was fully present for all of it. And that was the light switch. I always worried about who I would be without alcohol. I thought I would be boring and that no one would want to spend any time with me. But that’s not true. I always wondered who I would be if not a drinker, and the answer is I would be me. For the first time, I would be me and that would be enough.
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