Today(okay, it was actually yesterday) I celebrate six months of sobriety. I have been busy as of late and hadn’t thought much of it most of the day. I was asked to speak in my Friday night meeting where I collected my six month chip, and it was then that the gravity of it hit me. No one can really tell their whole story in ten minutes, so I said what I could but now as I sit here ruminating on what six months of sobriety means to me, I realize I am fundamentally changed. I am in no way recovered. I am recovering as we speak, but I am not the same human as I was when I started this journey.
There wasn’t much that I knew when I got sober. I knew I needed help and that I could not do this on my own, and that because of my drinking, I could not grow. I knew I was angry, resentful, afraid, controlling, scheming, sad, vengeful, and hurt. Truth be told, those were the only things I saw in myself.
When I first started going to meetings and attending therapy, I knew the things that needed to change and I wanted them right now. That’s what happens when you’ve relied on alcohol for over two decades. I needed everything to have a simple solution. So I tried to control my recovery in the beginning. Problem was, I couldn’t have imagined what the solutions to my problems could have been so to control the outcome was insane. You don’t end up in recovery because you have amazing answers.
So, long story needlessly long; what is the most important thing I’ve learned at six months of sobriety? I’ve learned that I have very little control over the cosmos outside of myself. To try and control the things I have no understanding of is an act of insanity, so there is no point fretting about it. I have also learned that only with experience and knowledge does one attain wisdom. That means if you want to change what you can control it takes both learning and doing. In other words, thinking about something is nothing until you get up and try it. To understand this I first had to understand what it means to be a part of something and what it means to have that something be bigger than myself.
It started with community. I had become so alone and so in love with my own suffering that I could not see beyond myself. More concerning was that my own vision of myself was distorted. I thought I was a troll and could only see my faults, so I hid. Walking into rooms full of people who knew my pain was a comfort even though in the beginning I could not comprehend the comfort. But at a cellular level, I knew I needed it. Eventually my world grew, little by little. I started to see myself in others who I had nothing but compassion for. Before I knew it, I belonged somewhere again. To get to this feeling of belonging, I needed to be honest with myself and others.
One of the first challenges I gave myself when I started attending a 12 step program was to be as brutally honest as I could be. It scared the shit out of me, but I felt I had to. I had been carrying the burden of shame my whole life and I couldn’t go any further. The meetings served as a confessional. The more I unburdened myself of the shame, the more I began to see myself, and the more people began to see me. Slowly, I began to realize I wasn’t the disgusting troll I thought I was. I was just a person who was in pain around people who understood that pain. I started to see the gifts that I had blinded myself to. A version of me started to appear who was interesting with an interesting life story.
Honesty lead to self-respect. Before this I would walk into a room full of people feeling as though they all hated me. I began to realize I was taking myself far too seriously. One, how could I know what others are thinking, and two, who says they are even thinking about me? Three, why does it even matter? This was something that I had been able to intellectualize for years, but didn’t know what it meant to feel it. I started to treat myself better and began to talk to myself in a much kinder voice. Then I started realizing that I might be starting to trust myself. Trust myself to take better care of me and to get through any troubles without self-destruction. What I was developing was a voice in my head that told me the truth.
A higher power for me was never going to be a dogmatic god with his rules over humanity, and for that, I had trouble with the concept of a higher power in a 12 step. However, I still went to meetings and I listened to those who have been where I am at. Then one day it clicked. Everything opened up.
My higher power was the voice in me that was the voice of truth. It is of the mind that our world is full of illusions – some created by society and some created by my own self centered delusions. When I ask this voice a question it does not always give me the answers I want to hear, but I know I can trust it. And to keep this connection to this voice, this mind, I have to treat my recovery(or program) as the most important thing in my life.
Had you told me when I first got sober that I had to keep my program first always and forever, I would have exploded. “You mean to tell me that in 20 years if I am still alive I have to make my sobriety the most important thing in my life? When will it fucking end?!” I would have said this because I didn’t understand. I thought sobriety was simply not drinking and that I could move on in life to bigger and better things.
But that’s not what it means. To keep my program number one is to always, ALWAYS be honest with myself and to others. It means to be of service to my fellow humans. It means to understand that this is not my world, but our world, and there is only so much I can do, but if I am doing my best, it gives life meaning. Without doing this, then I lose that voice. I lose that connection to the most valuable thing I have.
I am incredibly grateful to be looking back at the last six months of my life. They might be my favorite so far. By giving up alcohol I have gained so much more than I ever could have imagined. I know this and I also know I have so much more to learn. I am excited about the future again. What I have now I would not give up and I have to keep reminding myself of this. I know if I slip up then it is all gone.
If I drink this is all gone. I know how to get it back, but who’s to say I live long enough to get there? But, for now, I have my truth as I know it. I have a program that works for me and I have a community of people I love. I believe I am a better son, brother and friend that I had previously been. Thanks for reading.
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SAMHSA – Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration