What is a dry alcoholic or dry drunk? In simple terms (the only kind I know) it’s a person who has stopped drinking alcohol but they still act like they did when they were drinking. Basically, it is a sober alcoholic who does not seek recovery for their addiction to alcohol. The term dry drunk/dry alcoholic has meaning for me. I am an alcoholic currently in recovery. I have stated so on many occasions and itโs kind of the point of this blog. My father, on the other hand, who quit drinking years ago, never got the treatment he so badly needed.
Let me start by saying that my dad did the best he could to be a father to my two sisters and I. However, he is an alcoholic from an alcoholic family. He stopped drinking when I was young, but instead of getting help, he โwhite-knuckledโ it, as they say. He was and is very proud that he was able to quit alcohol cold turkey, and as a fellow alcoholic, he should be. Itโs so hard to abstain from alcohol that many people have died or will die from it after numerous attempts to quit. So he would tell people that he โwasโ an alcoholic. To him, it was that simple. If an alcoholic quits drinking alcohol then they are no longer an alcoholic.
And you know what, who am I to disagree with that? Maybe he is right. Maybe by simply cutting alcohol out of your life, you’re not an alcoholic anymore. However, ask any problem drinker who is abstaining from alcohol what would happen if they picked up a drink again. If they are being honest with themselves, chances are they will tell you that their addiction picks right back up from where it was at the height of their drinking. I know that would happen if I relapsed. I still think about drinking, or having a drink and I’ve been sober for just under six months. But I know what happens if I drink. A complete collapse of everything I have been building since I stopped drinking. Yet still, I think about how nice a drink would be. Thatโs how strong this addiction is.
I remember what my dad was like when he was still a drinker. He wasnโt mean to me, though I have heard stories from other people stating the opposite for them. I donโt remember him being explosive or violent, but he wasn’t around very much. He worked a lot and seemed to be gone throughout the waking hours of my early childhood.
Still, I loved him and looked at him like he was a god. But, he didnโt seem too interested in playing the role of dad when he was around. My mom was the primary caregiver for my older sister and I. My dad was like a beloved guest who would read to us bedtime stories on occasion. Played catch with him a few times and sat on his lap as he drank beer a few times, but I donโt have a lot of one on one memories of him at that age.
Then my parents took jobs for California Corrections. They were prison guards. My dad stopped drinking around this time and there was a noticeable shift in him from then on. For the record, my mom also changed, it was a terrible job for both of them mentally and physically. For my dad though, he became incredibly angry. He was around more, strangely enough, but it became clear that we were all a burden to him. At least that’s how I remember it.
We moved quite a bit during this time and my dadโs irritability added to the chaos of everyday life. My mom, sister and I all started to walk on eggshells. If I dropped something on the floor or closed a door too loudly while he was sleeping, he would explode in anger. We could hear him in the other room cussing and slamming doors. He would throw things against the wall. Then he would come out of the room and direct his anger at us, especially at my mom but over time, me as well. He would want to know โwho was the piece of shit who purposefully made noise when we all knew he needs his sleep?โ
It was odd. As a small child all I wanted was my dad to pay attention to me, but all of a sudden I would do anything to make sure he didnโt. He was always furious about something and when he would start to rant and explode I would pray to god is wasnโt about me. I started to hide in my room so he wouldnโt single me out, but even being invisible to him made him angry. He thought I was becoming odd and he hated it. To his credit, I was, in fact, becoming very strange. Iโd stay in my room for hours playing with a plastic bat, but thatโs for another fucked up story.
As a teenager I really disliked my dad, and he really disliked me. By this point he had become the villain. I couldnโt do anything without him making a nasty comment about it, so life had become flying under the radar as much as I could. If I made a mistake, and I made a lot of them, he acted as if it was a personal affront to him. The crippling pressure of his hatred was crushing. I was powerless to it so I disassociated.
There would be times, however, when my dad would show us the gentler side of himself. There were times when it didn’t seem like he hated me, but by this point I was already terrified of him. I could also see that he was in pain, like there was something that had been taken away from him. I never knew what it was. During these times I could see him in a different light. When he wasnโt directing his anger at me or someone else, I could see the dad I used to look up to in awe. It wasnโt awe that he inspired in me anymore though, only a deep sadness.
After years of fury and anger with him, I look back with more clarity. Problem drinkers drink because they are in pain. I know this now. However, drinking keeps you from growing emotionally. To get sober is not to simply stop drinking, it is to be able to uncover the reasons why you depended on it so much as the world crumbled around you. You cannot feed your addiction and grow at the same time, so you must abstain from it in order to see yourself clearly.
As I have said before, there is a serenity to recovery that cannot be known unless you start the process. I look back now with both sorrow and gratitude for my father. There is sorrow because he was in pain and caused pain for everyone who got near him. I wish that he chose to get help for his addiction but he didnโt and I canโt control that. I feel gratitude because for as much as pain as he was in, he still provided for us. And luckily, he is still with us. That means there is still a chance for him to recover because it is never too late for that.
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