I do not hide the fact that I am in a 12 step program. I am currently slowly working on step 4 as we speak. Though I know the program is not for everyone I still recommend it to anyone who is struggling with their sobriety. Of course, there are other options like therapy, rehab, and online sober communities that I also recommend, but this entry is about the second and third step of the most common iteration if the 12 steps. The second step in the program is to believe that a higher power, as understood by you, could restore your sanity. The third step is to surrender your will over to that higher power in sobriety.
As an agnostic, this was a difficult concept to overcome. If you are religious and believe in God then it might not be, but for me, I could not separate the idea of a “God” with a “higher power”. I always associated them as one in the same. Now I am being told that if I want to complete the program then it is predicated upon believing in God. I was annoyed and even offended. Of course, this was an error on my part. It does not state that we must believe in a Christian god, but to believe and turn our will over to god “as we understood him.” Meaning, you don’t have to be Christian, Muslim, or any other denomination to work the program. You simply have to believe that there is a higher power that is bigger than you.
The Agnostic and A Higher Power in Sobriety
When I first joined the program I spoke to a gentleman about my apprehension to believing in a higher power. I told him I didn’t know what that meant, so how was I supposed to turn my will over to something that makes no sense to me? He then asked me if I controlled the tide of the ocean. Deadpanned and dry I answered “No, do you?” He laughed and then told me that something controls the tide, but it’s not you or me. The sun rises and sets every day without your consent or control, but it’s no matter, it does it anyway. He told me that those two examples are certainly powers beyond our control and absolutely more powerful.
He also told me that the program I am involved in is a power greater than me. It was started without me, continues when I am not there, and will more than likely continue when I am gone. The point was that anything can be a higher power to believe in, it just cannot be me.
Now the question is, how do I turn my life over to the ocean’s tide or the rising sun? First, admit your insignificance to it. Admit that your control is seriously limited, and therefore, your mistakes and faults are tiny in proportion to these great powers. Then understand if you are willing to let go of all the things out of your control then you will be saved from the guilt and strife caused by your ego. You are not responsible for the problems of the world. You are not responsible for the actions of other people(most of the time). We are here to be a part of something bigger than ourselves and humanity has shown us we are stronger together.
How I did It
As for surrendering your will over to the program I will give you my example of how I did it. Please, keep in mind, at this point I am very early in my sobriety. I have 174 days, just shy of 6 months. However, this is by far the longest bout of sobriety I have ever had since I was 17.
When I came into the program, I hated myself. I was ashamed of my past and I didn’t think I was deserving of respect or love. I had been living a lie. Thievery, manipulation, rage, criminality, and abuse were things I had kept in a box and hid from the world. I felt like a fraud. At this point, I knew I could not do this on my own and that left to my own devices I would kill myself.
So, I bought into the program from the start. I knew I wasn’t going to find Jesus, or at least I didn’t think so, but I also knew I was lost and vulnerable. This program had worked for so many people so I had to give it a shot. I doubted much along the way and thought many times of leaving or giving up. However, the one thing that kept pulling me back, was the community. My life had become so isolated and lonely that I didn’t know I needed a community. This community was built upon the idea that no matter who you are or what you’ve done, there will be no judgement, not like in other circles of the world.
Starting to Learn What A Higher Power in Sobriety Meant to Me
I kept going even though I did not believe in a higher power. I kept showing up. Though I didn’t know it at the time, simply showing up was proof that I did believe a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity. The more I showed up, the more the truth started coming out. I found myself unburdening the weight of the world off my shoulders. The more honestly I told my story, the more I found acceptance among the fellowship, and the more I came to realize I was not the terrible beast I had come to believe. I was just a man who had lost himself long ago, not the worst piece of shit the world had ever seen.
Before I got sober, I could not trust myself. I could not trust the voice in my head and in fact, I feared it more than anything. The more the truth came out of me in those rooms, there came about this new voice. This new voice is just now appearing and it is only something I am just getting to know. But this voice tells the truth. It is a voice I trust because when I ask it a question, it always answers with love.
The answer is never the easiest route to take, but it is in the right direction. It is not always what I want to hear, but I can trust it. This new voice doesn’t tell me how terrible I am, but instead is telling me that I’m actually an interesting guy who is living and interesting life. If this keeps up, I might even like myself.
The Softest Path
The point is that going into these meetings and telling the truth or unburdening myself, I was letting go. I was letting go of this perfect idea of myself that I had been comparing myself too my entire existence. This perfect me was always witty, personable, and never ever felt uncomfortable. Basically, this perfect me was a figment of fantasy. He never has nor ever will exist.
By letting go, over time, it was proven to me that I will be caught. I will be held up by the strength of something greater than me. The more truth I uncover, the more I trust myself and my voice. That is my higher power – that connection between me and the voice of truth. I know that if I go back to drinking I will go back to lying to myself. I will lose connection to what is becoming most dearest to me, and I cannot let that happen. That is my higher power is sobriety.
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One response to “Higher Power in Sobriety Without Religion”
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