After failing numerous times to get sober on my own I finally sought help from a hypnotherapist/drug and alcohol counselor. He said that alcoholics and drug addicts alike, or as he calls us “drugaholics”, prefer a chemical answer to life’s problems. When he said this I laughed out loud. This was not only true for me, but my entire family.
I spent the first half of my life cooped up with people using all sorts of substances to combat the chaos of life. Our whole clan are all sugar addicts. My dad was addicted to caffeine and nicotine for years. My mom used every vitamin under the sun to cure her depression and health issues. Gluten free diets and nootropics galore; everything accept getting professional help.
Tragedy and Alcohol
My final year before getting sober, which was under six months ago, was a difficult one. A lot of people I loved died that year. Being unable to cope with life’s tragedies I naturally turned to alcohol. It was something I had done since before becoming an adult, and was my only way of coping with emotions I had never let myself feel.
And like so many times before, I could not stop drinking. I drank nearly every day and felt truly powerless to it. I was in a spiral and I knew it. The decent was so steep and fast I feared I would end up dead. So, like any true alcoholic I did the only thing I could do; do a lot of psilocybin containing mushrooms. Otherwise known as magic mushrooms.
Yeah, instead of calling a therapist, seeking rehab, joining a 12 step program or even finding an online sober community, I chose to do extreme amounts of a powerful, mind-altering psychedelic drug. For months I had been going deep down Youtube rabbit holes of using psychedelics to treat substance abuse disorders and convinced myself it was a good idea.
Magic Mushrooms the Legal Way… Sort of
So, one day I drove up to Oakland from LA where there is a weed dispensary that sells psilocybin mushrooms. In the city of Oakland, psilocybin is decriminalized. This particular dispensary calls itself a church to get around laws preventing the sale of magic mushrooms. Anyways, I went there.
Quick side note, I did try magic mushrooms before this trip, but never at a sizable dose. Also, I do not recommend anyone doing what I did. It was and is dangerous. All literature dedicated to the safe usage of psilocybin for depression or substance abuse always states to do it with a medical professional. The risk of psychosis and other troubling health issues are heightened when doing it on your own. Again, do not try this, it was mostly a nightmare.
Did I mention not to do this? Good.
The Nightmare of Magic Mushrooms to Get Sober
So, I rented a nice hotel room in Silcon Valley and stood there looking down at the 5 grams of psilocybin infused chocolate bars I just bought. Now, here’s the thing; I knew that 5 grams was a lot of mushrooms to take, but here is what I didn’t know; that chocolate bars are usually double the strength of the mushroom fruit bodies. AND the strain I bought is double the strength of most strains of psilocybin containing mushrooms.
Essentially, I had 15 grams of mushrooms in front of me and I took all of it in one sitting. If you knew me, this isn’t exactly surprising. I drank like this and when I did recreational drugs, I also went big when I did them. However, I always knew what to expect with other drugs, but not this time.
To say it was a rough experience is an understatement. It was like being caught in a vaguely remembered nightmare. I was laughing and crying in spurts. It was like I was in contact with another life form and I couldn’t tell if it meant to do me harm.
Then it Got Worse
I eventually experienced ego death and lost all contact with reality. I was convinced that I was going to die that very evening and that everyone in my life wanted me to die. It was as if the world had conspired to get me to go out to Oakland so that I would be poisoned by mushrooms. It was emotionally painful and I LITERALLY thought I was dying, though of what I couldn’t tell you.
After I got through the worst of it and realized I wasn’t going to die, I broke through and came back to reality. I was covered in sweat and was filled with a sense of gratitude for having gone through such a painful but spiritual experience. And it seemed to work. I was dry for about a month before I started to drink again, so I was convinced that I needed to do mushrooms again.
Second Time Trying Magic Mushrooms to Get Sober
The next time I took an extra gram. So for those keeping count, it was the equivalent of 18 grams of psilocybin. This time I really lost my mind. It was even more painful and the ego death lasted for what seemed like an eternity.
I was so far gone that at one point I actually didn’t think I existed. I thought I was the imagination of an insane man wandering through the desert of a post-apocalyptic wasteland. Doesn’t that sound fun? When I slowly gained back my sanity I again was overcome with gratitude and this time I was dry for an even longer period of time. I thought it worked. I was cured of drinking.
Depression Again
Then, while getting my teeth worked on in December of 2022, the dentist botched a bone graft and left me with a gap in my gums above my tooth that was visible when I smiled. I was crushed by it and ended up in an alcoholic spiral. Apparently, my vanity trumps any kind of spiritual awakening. I ended up spending Christmas week alone, trapped in my apartment as I drank every day. The heavy cloud of depression hung over me and again, I could not control my drinking.
I was able to survive until April when I decided to do one more, albeit smaller dose of mushrooms in an attempt to get my drinking back under control. This time I did not lose my mind but it was enough for an ego death. It was, as always, painful. What I came to realize later in sobriety is that mushrooms will show you what is at the core of your beliefs.
I hated myself and was ashamed of me. I did not think I was worthy of anyone’s respect and felt the world was a better place without me. At my core was a belief that I was worthless. No amount of mushrooms was going to make me love myself and certainly not any substance.
The Decision That May Have Saved My Life
The next day I knew I had to do whatever I could to stop drinking. I ended up calling a hypnotherapist and asked my doctor for naltrexone, a drug to help you get off alcohol. I never got that prescription but less than three days later I finally got help for my alcoholism after 25+ years of drinking. The call with my hypnotherapist and counselor lead me to a 12 step program that lead me to the start of my recovery process. Currently I am 172 days sober, the longest bout of sobriety by far in my adult life.
I do not know what the future will hold but I do know that recovery is possible. I know that with support you can stop drinking. AS I always say, I am lucky to be sober in Los Angeles as I have so many resources available to me. However, no matter where you live, recovery is possible. If AA is not your thing, then join another support group, they’re almost always free to join. If not in person then try one online. Talk to a therapist. Alcoholism and addiction is a disease of isolation. You have to treat your isolation and open up to others who understand what you are going through. If I can do this then you can too.
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Resources for Sobriety:
SAMHSA – Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration