I always knew I had alcoholism on both sides of the family, but I never imagined I would become an alcoholic. I knew that my father and just about every uncle I could name had issues with addiction, namely alcoholism. Still, it wasn’t something we talked about as a family. Sure, my dad, a dry alcoholic, would denigrate anyone he knew who was an addict or alcoholic, but he never sat me down and made me understand what type of danger I was in. I realize now it’s because he never truly understood it himself. Since he quit when I was young, he would say that he WAS an alcoholic. Never that he IS an alcoholic.
Truth be told, I am not sure my dad ever knew who he really was. He never investigated his relationship with alcohol. My grandparents pressured him to drink so he started at a very young age. He was too young to know who he was before he started, and alcohol made sure he would never know the truth, even in abstinence.
His refusal to seek help may have stemmed from shame. I’m not really sure, but I know his refusal for recovery made sure that at least one of his kids would suffer the same affliction and that kid was me. But let me be clear; I do not blame my dad for my drinking. I could have sought help at any time as an adult and it might have saved me a lot of time and pain, but I never did till recently. I am only stating the facts as I know them.
It’s a saying among alcoholics that once you lose control over alcohol, you never regain it, no matter how long you go without drinking. Thus the saying “once a pickle, never a cucumber again”. I know that abstinence is my only choice in recovery, but I cannot speak for anyone else. Maybe there is a way for someone to regain their control. This article explains this thinking. However, for me, I was an alcoholic from the first time I drank.
I was 16 at the time – my best friends house. We had all types alcohol; beer, whiskey, vodka, gin etc. I was equal parts afraid as I was intrigued. The friends that I had been hanging out with had been drinking already for a year and they seemed to be having the time of their lives. I figured “to hell with it, let’s see what this is all about.” So I drank. I remember the feeling like it was yesterday. It was like a warm, comforting blanket soothing me from the inside. It was numbness. Complete release. For the first time I could easily let go of all the shame, embarrassment and insecurities I had carried with with me since early childhood. I felt free and I felt invincible. It was one of the greatest days of my life and up until that point I had never felt so good.
Three hours later I’m puking my guts out. An hour after that I was doubled over, dry heaving on my best friends lawn and going in and out of consciousness. I had alcohol poisoning because once I started, I did not want to stop. Ever. Though the experience made sure I wasn’t to drink for another year, it sparked something within me. I knew that there was an answer out there for my pain. There was a medicine for my confusing and unbearable emotions.
I had a drug and alcohol counselor who helped me through my first few months of sobriety. He told me something that I will never forget. He said “children have big emotions, and little intellects.” At 16, I knew nothing at all of world around me nor anything about myself. Just like my dad, I was wearing a disguise made up of parts I thought everyone wanted me to be. I was only doing what I knew to handle all of the big emotions I was feeling. My intellect was no match for them so I drank and it worked… until it didn’t, as they say.
Like I said before, I do not blame my dad for not taking the time to instill in me the dangers I would face if I drank. He didn’t know. I know he didn’t know, because until recently, I didn’t really know. I am only now, at 45 years of age, starting to figure it out. My decision to recover stemmed from the admission that A: I could not control my drinking and B: I could not do it on my own.
I knew this early on, but did nothing about it. It wasn’t until I was brought to my knees by life did I make the important decision to begin life as a sober person. I am lucky to be sober in Los Angeles where there is nothing but resources available for me to recover. To recover in LA, you will need all of the resources you can get. If you are, in fact, an alcoholic then while it is possible to stop drinking without help, recovery is not. And there is a difference between the two.
For many people, a 12 step program is not the answer. They find it too religious since its foundations are usually predicated upon a higher power. However, I am in no way religious. I go to Secular meetings here in Los Angeles – the program has nothing to do with God and there is literature available on working the steps without mention of a higher power. Again, living in a city like LA, I have options where other places may not. However, you can attend many meetings virtually through zoom which is a great way to connect to other alcoholics in recovery –click here for more info.
You can also join a social media alcohol/addiction support group where others can help you hold yourself accountable in sobriety. Also, betterhelp is an amazing resource to speak with a therapist at a fraction of the cost than in person. Here is another resource here that goes by a sliding scale. There are Youtube channels and countless book available so if you need help, it is out there. And finally, feel free to reach out to me. I may not be available all the time, but I will get back to you. If I can do this, so can you.